Fluff...
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Fluff...
Hello guys
I'll try to tell a little about Utopia : http://alkemy-the-game.com/en/ruidosos-story/
Could you correct my poor english ?
Please...
Mehapito
I'll try to tell a little about Utopia : http://alkemy-the-game.com/en/ruidosos-story/
Could you correct my poor english ?
Please...
Mehapito
Re: Fluff...
I only see a few small changes to be made:
Remove the spaces between words and punctuation (i.e. "know ?" becomes "know?")
Swap two words in this sentence:
– They all were! Irmao’s dream became real.
"Have’nt" should be "Haven't"
Change "Yop" to "Yup"
Remove the spaces between words and punctuation (i.e. "know ?" becomes "know?")
Swap two words in this sentence:
– They all were! Irmao’s dream became real.
"Have’nt" should be "Haven't"
Change "Yop" to "Yup"
mallachain- HOMONCULE
- Messages : 182
Date d'inscription : 22/12/2014
Re: Fluff...
Looks pretty good until the end.
– Hey, kid. Don’t make fun of your ancestors, you know?
– Again the archipelago story?
– that’s what it took for the banished to reach a safe haven.
– The old archipelago?
– Fortunately, the natives were friendly.
– And their wives too?
– They all were! Irmao’s dream became real.
– Utopia!
– Until the terrible Storm. ("Until" sounds like it was good, but then something bad happens)
– This storm was our chance. (Chance for what?)
– Do you believe in the vision?
– Haven't we found the Great Island? Haven't we launched the Back’s shipping? (Doesn't make sense)
– Yup… but what about the pujlanar? (What is this word?)
– Hey, kid. Don’t make fun of your ancestors, you know?
– Again the archipelago story?
– that’s what it took for the banished to reach a safe haven.
– The old archipelago?
– Fortunately, the natives were friendly.
– And their wives too?
– They all were! Irmao’s dream became real.
– Utopia!
– Until the terrible Storm. ("Until" sounds like it was good, but then something bad happens)
– This storm was our chance. (Chance for what?)
– Do you believe in the vision?
– Haven't we found the Great Island? Haven't we launched the Back’s shipping? (Doesn't make sense)
– Yup… but what about the pujlanar? (What is this word?)
Vegabond- HOMONCULE
- Messages : 189
Date d'inscription : 23/12/2014
Re: Fluff...
Thanks
Few answers, but for your eyes only...
After all, they find a very big island where their nation grows up.
Few answers, but for your eyes only...
They lived quite well on the archipelago, but were oust by a terrible storm.– Until the terrible Storm. ("Until" sounds like it was good, but then something bad happens)
– This storm was our chance. (Chance for what?)
After all, they find a very big island where their nation grows up.
3 cycles before present, they build a big fleet to navigate to Mornea. They called this journey "l'expédition du Retour" (the come back expedition ?)– Haven't we found the Great Island? Haven't we launched the Back’s shipping? (Doesn't make sense)
The pujlanar are the "zombies-looking like" Utopian, but hush– Yup… but what about the pujlanar? (What is this word?)
Re: Fluff...
My take,
Leviathan Hunter
Once a cycle on the Great Island, usually at the beginning of winter, an Utopian gives birth to an Ocean child, (as they are usually called) these children are disproportionate in size. No one knows in advance to which family the child will be born, but by the end of autumn the midwives begin looking for it all over the island. It is indeed important to quickly locate the mother who carries this baby to prevent it from dying in childbirth. The size of the child is such that the mother must deliver it two months before the due date. The baby then grows under the constant care of a midwife.
Following its first cycle, when the child far exceeds the size of one meter, it is returned to its family. At the age of three cycles it is larger than most adults and is welcomed by the Legendary Hunters who will make it a formidable Leviathan Hunter.
No one knows the origin of these fabulous children, yet a legend tells the story of Tansa Hacha, the harpooner. She returned pregnant after several months of solitude on the banks of Empty and was the mother of the first Ocean child, more than 300 cycles ago...
Question, is Empty the name of a known place?
Choker of Dal~Eth
In their first stages of evolution, Pes~Hat issued from the sublimation of their predecessor, the Naashtis have to accumulate experience through observation and reflection. Taking advantage of their large size, they accomplish difficult tasks and military jobs.
It behooves the Chokers to protect and monitor access to the wells and communication tunnels between the citadels. Their patrols, both inside and outside, provide them many opportunities to enhance their knowledge of other peoples of Mornea.
In a sense, one could consider them as children trying to discover the world. This could explain their mood or the ease with which they can break their toys.
But this is only one aspect of it, they are also custodians of some of the memories of those who birthed them. The Chokers are selected from Pes~Hat who have no memory of hatred towards the surface. They can carry out their role and begin their evolution without being overwhelmed by feelings of revenge. Obviously, this is good for the Jade Triad.
I wasn't sure what that last sentence was trying to accomplish, so I took a guess.
Leviathan Hunter
Once a cycle on the Great Island, usually at the beginning of winter, an Utopian gives birth to an Ocean child, (as they are usually called) these children are disproportionate in size. No one knows in advance to which family the child will be born, but by the end of autumn the midwives begin looking for it all over the island. It is indeed important to quickly locate the mother who carries this baby to prevent it from dying in childbirth. The size of the child is such that the mother must deliver it two months before the due date. The baby then grows under the constant care of a midwife.
Following its first cycle, when the child far exceeds the size of one meter, it is returned to its family. At the age of three cycles it is larger than most adults and is welcomed by the Legendary Hunters who will make it a formidable Leviathan Hunter.
No one knows the origin of these fabulous children, yet a legend tells the story of Tansa Hacha, the harpooner. She returned pregnant after several months of solitude on the banks of Empty and was the mother of the first Ocean child, more than 300 cycles ago...
Question, is Empty the name of a known place?
Choker of Dal~Eth
In their first stages of evolution, Pes~Hat issued from the sublimation of their predecessor, the Naashtis have to accumulate experience through observation and reflection. Taking advantage of their large size, they accomplish difficult tasks and military jobs.
It behooves the Chokers to protect and monitor access to the wells and communication tunnels between the citadels. Their patrols, both inside and outside, provide them many opportunities to enhance their knowledge of other peoples of Mornea.
In a sense, one could consider them as children trying to discover the world. This could explain their mood or the ease with which they can break their toys.
But this is only one aspect of it, they are also custodians of some of the memories of those who birthed them. The Chokers are selected from Pes~Hat who have no memory of hatred towards the surface. They can carry out their role and begin their evolution without being overwhelmed by feelings of revenge. Obviously, this is good for the Jade Triad.
I wasn't sure what that last sentence was trying to accomplish, so I took a guess.
Vegabond- HOMONCULE
- Messages : 189
Date d'inscription : 23/12/2014
Re: Fluff...
Just some slight tweeks to Vagabond's suggestions:
I'm not sure about "sublimation." Maybe "epitome" works better?
Once I reread everything in the Genesis rulebook, the last sentence ("Obviously, this is not about the Jade Triad.") made sense, but I don't think it's necessary and that it will confuse people who don't have a strong grasp on Mornea's history.
Vegabond a écrit:
Leviathan Hunter
Once a cycle on the Great Island, usually at the beginning of winter, an Utopian gives birth to an Ocean child (as they are usually called). These children are disproportionate in size. No one knows to which family the child will be born, but by the end of autumn the midwives start hunting for it all over the island. It is very important to quickly locate the mother who carries this baby to prevent it from dying in childbirth. The size of the child is such that the mother must deliver it two months before the normal due date. The baby then grows under the constant care of a midwife.
Following its first cycle, when the child far exceeds the size of one meter, it is returned to its family. At the age of three cycles it is larger than most adults and is welcomed by the Legendary Hunters who will make it a formidable Leviathan Hunter.
No one knows the origin of these fabulous children, yet a legend tells the story of Tansa Hacha, the harpooner. She returned pregnant after several months of solitude on the banks of Empty and was the mother of the first Ocean child, more than 300 cycles ago...
Choker of Dal-Eth
In their first stages of evolution, Pes-Hat issued from the epitome of their predecessors, the Naashtis have to accumulate experience through observation and reflection. Taking advantage of their large size, they accomplish difficult tasks and military jobs.
It behooves the Chokers to protect and monitor access to the wells and communication tunnels between the citadels. Their patrols, both inside and outside, provide them with many opportunities to enhance their knowledge of the other peoples of Mornea.
In a sense, one could consider them as children trying to discover the world. This could explain their mood or the ease with which they can break their toys.
But this is only one aspect of it, they are also custodians of some of the memories of those who birthed them. The Chokers are selected from Pes-Hat who have no memory of hatred towards the surface. They can carry out their role and begin their evolution without being overwhelmed by feelings of revenge.
I'm not sure about "sublimation." Maybe "epitome" works better?
Once I reread everything in the Genesis rulebook, the last sentence ("Obviously, this is not about the Jade Triad.") made sense, but I don't think it's necessary and that it will confuse people who don't have a strong grasp on Mornea's history.
mallachain- HOMONCULE
- Messages : 182
Date d'inscription : 22/12/2014
Re: Fluff...
Mehapito a écrit: They called this journey "l'expédition du Retour" (the come back expedition ?)
How about "Return Expedition" ?
mallachain- HOMONCULE
- Messages : 182
Date d'inscription : 22/12/2014
Re: Fluff...
I meant the mother will die. Shall I write "to prevent her" ?Vegabond a écrit:It is indeed important to quickly locate the mother who carries this baby to prevent it from dying in childbirth
You wrote "it" for the child. Don't you say "him" ?
The far west, a large ocean, is known by the Utopian to be a desert without life. Perhaps "the void" will be better...Vegabond a écrit:Question, is Empty the name of a known place?
Vegabond a écrit:they accomplish difficult tasks
I meant tasks which requires strength. How would you say that ?
Vegabond a écrit:Obviously, this is good for the Jade Triad.
I like to prompt/encourage people reading the old fluff. And, new one will come...mallachain a écrit:Once I reread everything in the Genesis rulebook, the last sentence ("Obviously, this is not about the Jade Triad.") made sense, but I don't think it's necessary and that it will confuse people who don't have a strong grasp on Mornea's history.
How about "Obviously, this is not concerning the Jade Triad" ?
I like your suggestion.mallachain a écrit:I'm not sure about "sublimation." Maybe "epitome" works better?
But "epitome" means taking the good part of something.
I prefer "sublimation" wich, in chemical terms, means transformation from solid to vapor state.
Goodmallachain a écrit:How about "Return Expedition" ?
Thanks a lot.
More to come....
Re: Fluff...
-I meant the mother will die. Shall I write "to prevent her"? YES
-You wrote "it" for the child. Don't you say "him"? Yes, but if you meant the mother, it doesn't matter. In other places, you can say it because you don't know if "it" is a male or female.
-..solitude on the banks of Empty (the great ocean) and was the mother of..
-..Taking advantage of their large size and great strength, they accomplish difficult tasks and..
-In that case, I would change it to "without being overwhelmed by feelings of revenge. Except where the Jade Triad is concerned."
-You wrote "it" for the child. Don't you say "him"? Yes, but if you meant the mother, it doesn't matter. In other places, you can say it because you don't know if "it" is a male or female.
-..solitude on the banks of Empty (the great ocean) and was the mother of..
-..Taking advantage of their large size and great strength, they accomplish difficult tasks and..
-In that case, I would change it to "without being overwhelmed by feelings of revenge. Except where the Jade Triad is concerned."
Vegabond- HOMONCULE
- Messages : 189
Date d'inscription : 23/12/2014
Re: Fluff...
New page : http://alkemy-the-game.com/fr/la-disparition/
Cycle 783 - Vanishing (or Disappearance?)
picture 1: E'Dhu~Egir, sections VI and VIII are deserted ...
picture 2: ...the bodies are in the XL section. Some are still moving.
picture 3: I... I'll crawl with them.
picture 4: Seal immediately the citadel's gates. We'll eliminate anyone who attempts to enter.
Cycle 783 - Vanishing (or Disappearance?)
picture 1: E'Dhu~Egir, sections VI and VIII are deserted ...
picture 2: ...the bodies are in the XL section. Some are still moving.
picture 3: I... I'll crawl with them.
picture 4: Seal immediately the citadel's gates. We'll eliminate anyone who attempts to enter.
Re: Fluff...
Mehapito a écrit:New page : http://alkemy-the-game.com/fr/la-disparition/
Cycle 783 - Vanishing (or Disappearance?)
picture 1: E'Dhu~Egir, sections VI and VIII are deserted ...
picture 2: ...the bodies are in the XL section. Some are still moving.
picture 3: I... I'll crawl with them.
picture 4: Seal immediately the citadel's gates. We'll eliminate anyone who attempts to enter.
Cycle 783 - Disappearance
picture 1: E'Dhu~Egir, sections VI and VIII are deserted...
picture 2: ...the bodies are in section XL. Some are still moving.
picture 3: I...I'll join them. (is he going to do them harm or to help? You could say something else to make it more clear.)
picture 4: Seal the citadel's gates immediately. We'll eliminate anyone who attempts to enter.
Vegabond- HOMONCULE
- Messages : 189
Date d'inscription : 23/12/2014
Re: Fluff...
He's going to die with them...Vegabond a écrit:picture 3: I...I'll join them. [u](is he going to do them harm or to help? You could say something else to make it more clear.)
I thought it was clear with the color change
Thanks
Re: Fluff...
So for Picture 2 the "bodies" are their friends, still alive? Soldiers that are still fighting the intruders?
Vegabond- HOMONCULE
- Messages : 189
Date d'inscription : 23/12/2014
Re: Fluff...
Friends, almost dead or dying...Vegabond a écrit:So for Picture 2 the "bodies" are their friends, still alive? Soldiers that are still fighting the intruders?
Re: Fluff...
That changes things. Here is my recommendation.
Cycle 783 - Disappearance
picture 1: E'Dhu~Egir, sections VI and VIII are deserted...
picture 2: ...our allies are in section XL, some are still alive.
picture 3: I...I'll join them.
picture 4: Seal the citadel's gates immediately. We'll eliminate anyone who attempts to enter.
Cycle 783 - Disappearance
picture 1: E'Dhu~Egir, sections VI and VIII are deserted...
picture 2: ...our allies are in section XL, some are still alive.
picture 3: I...I'll join them.
picture 4: Seal the citadel's gates immediately. We'll eliminate anyone who attempts to enter.
Vegabond- HOMONCULE
- Messages : 189
Date d'inscription : 23/12/2014
Re: Fluff...
Bodies could be allies or intruders, I was trying to make it more clear.
Vegabond- HOMONCULE
- Messages : 189
Date d'inscription : 23/12/2014
Re: Fluff...
Halloween time : http://alkemy-the-game.com/fr/utopia-lloween/
They have to speak like "peasant"...
pic1 : Is there someone?
pic2 : Didn't you hear a little noise?
pic3 : Who's there?
pic4 : Stops fucking us fear! - Sorry Georges
pic5 : uh... Sure guys, there's a noise! - Plonk
pic6 : Blood' Stop your bullshit, Herb' - But, it wasn't me!
pic 7 : Guess Who
the picture 7 is a "surprise" for you too
They have to speak like "peasant"...
pic1 : Is there someone?
pic2 : Didn't you hear a little noise?
pic3 : Who's there?
pic4 : Stops fucking us fear! - Sorry Georges
pic5 : uh... Sure guys, there's a noise! - Plonk
pic6 : Blood' Stop your bullshit, Herb' - But, it wasn't me!
pic 7 : Guess Who
the picture 7 is a "surprise" for you too
Re: Fluff...
pic1 : Is someone there?
pic2 : Did you hear a noise?
pic3 : Who's there?
pic4 : Stop trying to fucking scare us! -Sorry Georges (I would suggest removing *fucking*, I don't think it would be well received.)
pic5 : uh... Guys I heard something! - Plonk
pic6 : Stop your bullshit, Herb. -But, it wasn't me!
pic7 : Guess Who
pic2 : Did you hear a noise?
pic3 : Who's there?
pic4 : Stop trying to fucking scare us! -Sorry Georges (I would suggest removing *fucking*, I don't think it would be well received.)
pic5 : uh... Guys I heard something! - Plonk
pic6 : Stop your bullshit, Herb. -But, it wasn't me!
pic7 : Guess Who
Vegabond- HOMONCULE
- Messages : 189
Date d'inscription : 23/12/2014
Re: Fluff...
You're probably rightVegabond a écrit:I would suggest removing *fucking*, I don't think it would be well received.
I thought it could be ok for Halloween...
What do you think of, pic 5 : uh... Guys I really heard something!
Re: Fluff...
Mehapito a écrit:
You're probably right
I thought it could be ok for Halloween...
What do you think of, pic 5 : uh... Guys I really heard something!
I think that works just fine.
Vegabond- HOMONCULE
- Messages : 189
Date d'inscription : 23/12/2014
Re: Fluff...
Cool. Happy Halloween to you too!
Vegabond- HOMONCULE
- Messages : 189
Date d'inscription : 23/12/2014
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