Fluff...

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Fluff...

Message  Mehapito le Sam 24 Oct 2015 - 17:35

Hello guys
I'll try to tell a little about Utopia : http://alkemy-the-game.com/en/ruidosos-story/
Could you correct my poor english ?
Please...

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Re: Fluff...

Message  mallachain le Dim 25 Oct 2015 - 1:48

I only see a few small changes to be made:

Remove the spaces between words and punctuation (i.e. "know ?" becomes "know?")

Swap two words in this sentence:
– They all were! Irmao’s dream became real.

"Have’nt" should be "Haven't"

Change "Yop" to "Yup"

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Re: Fluff...

Message  Vegabond le Dim 25 Oct 2015 - 16:34

Looks pretty good until the end.

– Hey, kid. Don’t make fun of your ancestors, you know?
– Again the archipelago story?
– that’s what it took for the banished to reach a safe haven.
– The old archipelago?
– Fortunately, the natives were friendly.
– And their wives too?
– They all were! Irmao’s dream became real.
– Utopia!
– Until the terrible Storm.  ("Until" sounds like it was good, but then something bad happens)
– This storm was our chance.  (Chance for what?)
– Do you believe in the vision?
– Haven't we found the Great Island? Haven't we launched the Back’s shipping? (Doesn't make sense)
– Yup… but what about the pujlanar? (What is this word?)

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Re: Fluff...

Message  Mehapito le Dim 25 Oct 2015 - 22:14

Thanks
Few answers, but for your eyes only...

– Until the terrible Storm. ("Until" sounds like it was good, but then something bad happens)
– This storm was our chance. (Chance for what?)
They lived quite well on the archipelago, but were oust by a terrible storm.
After all, they find a very big island where their nation grows up.

– Haven't we found the Great Island? Haven't we launched the Back’s shipping? (Doesn't make sense)
3 cycles before present, they build a big fleet to navigate to Mornea. They called this journey "l'expédition du Retour" (the come back expedition ?)

– Yup… but what about the pujlanar? (What is this word?)
The pujlanar are the "zombies-looking like" Utopian, but hush Wink
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Re: Fluff...

Message  Vegabond le Lun 26 Oct 2015 - 0:40

My take,

Leviathan Hunter

Once a cycle on the Great Island, usually at the beginning of winter, an Utopian gives birth to an Ocean child, (as they are usually called) these children are disproportionate in size. No one knows in advance to which family the child will be born, but by the end of autumn the midwives begin looking for it all over the island. It is indeed important to quickly locate the mother who carries this baby to prevent it from dying in childbirth. The size of the child is such that the mother must deliver it two months before the due date. The baby then grows under the constant care of a midwife.
Following its first cycle, when the child far exceeds the size of one meter, it is returned to its family. At the age of three cycles it is larger than most adults and is welcomed by the Legendary Hunters who will make it a formidable Leviathan Hunter.
No one knows the origin of these fabulous children, yet a legend tells the story of Tansa Hacha, the harpooner. She returned pregnant after several months of solitude on the banks of Empty and was the mother of the first Ocean child, more than 300 cycles ago...

Question, is Empty the name of a known place?

Choker of Dal~Eth

In their first stages of evolution, Pes~Hat issued from the sublimation of their predecessor, the Naashtis have to accumulate experience through observation and reflection. Taking advantage of their large size, they accomplish difficult tasks and military jobs.
It behooves the Chokers to protect and monitor access to the wells and communication tunnels between the citadels. Their patrols, both inside and outside, provide them many opportunities to enhance their knowledge of other peoples of Mornea.
In a sense, one could consider them as children trying to discover the world. This could explain their mood or the ease with which they can break their toys.
But this is only one aspect of it, they are also custodians of some of the memories of those who birthed them. The Chokers are selected from Pes~Hat who have no memory of hatred towards the surface. They can carry out their role and begin their evolution without being overwhelmed by feelings of revenge. Obviously, this is good for the Jade Triad.

I wasn't sure what that last sentence was trying to accomplish, so I took a guess.

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Re: Fluff...

Message  mallachain le Lun 26 Oct 2015 - 6:18

Just some slight tweeks to Vagabond's suggestions:

Vegabond a écrit:
Leviathan Hunter

Once a cycle on the Great Island, usually at the beginning of winter, an Utopian gives birth to an Ocean child (as they are usually called). These children are disproportionate in size. No one knows to which family the child will be born, but by the end of autumn the midwives start hunting for it all over the island. It is very important to quickly locate the mother who carries this baby to prevent it from dying in childbirth. The size of the child is such that the mother must deliver it two months before the normal due date. The baby then grows under the constant care of a midwife.
Following its first cycle, when the child far exceeds the size of one meter, it is returned to its family. At the age of three cycles it is larger than most adults and is welcomed by the Legendary Hunters who will make it a formidable Leviathan Hunter.
No one knows the origin of these fabulous children, yet a legend tells the story of Tansa Hacha, the harpooner. She returned pregnant after several months of solitude on the banks of Empty and was the mother of the first Ocean child, more than 300 cycles ago...

Choker of Dal-Eth

In their first stages of evolution, Pes-Hat issued from the epitome of their predecessors, the Naashtis have to accumulate experience through observation and reflection. Taking advantage of their large size, they accomplish difficult tasks and military jobs.
It behooves the Chokers to protect and monitor access to the wells and communication tunnels between the citadels. Their patrols, both inside and outside, provide them with many opportunities to enhance their knowledge of the other peoples of Mornea.
In a sense, one could consider them as children trying to discover the world. This could explain their mood or the ease with which they can break their toys.
But this is only one aspect of it, they are also custodians of some of the memories of those who birthed them. The Chokers are selected from Pes-Hat who have no memory of hatred towards the surface. They can carry out their role and begin their evolution without being overwhelmed by feelings of revenge.

I'm not sure about "sublimation." Maybe "epitome" works better?

Once I reread everything in the Genesis rulebook, the last sentence ("Obviously, this is not about the Jade Triad.") made sense, but I don't think it's necessary and that it will confuse people who don't have a strong grasp on Mornea's history.

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Re: Fluff...

Message  mallachain le Lun 26 Oct 2015 - 6:19

Mehapito a écrit: They called this journey "l'expédition du Retour" (the come back expedition ?)

How about "Return Expedition" ?

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Re: Fluff...

Message  Mehapito le Lun 26 Oct 2015 - 11:27

Vegabond a écrit:It is indeed important to quickly locate the mother who carries this baby to prevent it from dying in childbirth
I meant the mother will die. Shall I write "to prevent her" ?

You wrote "it" for the child. Don't you say "him" ?

Vegabond a écrit:Question, is Empty the name of a known place?
The far west, a large ocean, is known by the Utopian to be a desert without life. Perhaps "the void" will be better...

Vegabond a écrit:they accomplish difficult tasks

I meant tasks which requires strength. How would you say that ?

Vegabond a écrit:Obviously, this is good for the Jade Triad.
mallachain a écrit:Once I reread everything in the Genesis rulebook, the last sentence ("Obviously, this is not about the Jade Triad.") made sense, but I don't think it's necessary and that it will confuse people who don't have a strong grasp on Mornea's history.
I like to prompt/encourage people reading the old fluff. And, new one will come...
How about "Obviously, this is not concerning the Jade Triad" ?

mallachain a écrit:I'm not sure about "sublimation." Maybe "epitome" works better?
I like your suggestion.
But "epitome" means taking the good part of something.
I prefer "sublimation" wich, in chemical terms, means transformation from solid to vapor state.

mallachain a écrit:How about "Return Expedition" ?
Good Very Happy

Thanks a lot.
More to come....
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Re: Fluff...

Message  Vegabond le Lun 26 Oct 2015 - 15:37

-I meant the mother will die. Shall I write "to prevent her"?  YES

-You wrote "it" for the child. Don't you say "him"?  Yes, but if you meant the mother, it doesn't matter. In other places, you can say it because you don't know if "it" is a male or female.

-..solitude on the banks of Empty (the great ocean) and was the mother of..

-..Taking advantage of their large size and great strength, they accomplish difficult tasks and..

-In that case, I would change it to "without being overwhelmed by feelings of revenge. Except where the Jade Triad is concerned."

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Re: Fluff...

Message  Mehapito le Lun 26 Oct 2015 - 15:53

Done !
Very Happy
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Re: Fluff...

Message  Mehapito le Lun 26 Oct 2015 - 19:06

New page : http://alkemy-the-game.com/fr/la-disparition/

Cycle 783 - Vanishing (or Disappearance?)
picture 1: E'Dhu~Egir, sections VI and VIII are deserted ...
picture 2: ...the bodies are in the XL section. Some are still moving.
picture 3: I... I'll crawl with them.
picture 4: Seal immediately the citadel's gates. We'll eliminate anyone who attempts to enter.
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Re: Fluff...

Message  Vegabond le Lun 26 Oct 2015 - 19:53

Mehapito a écrit:New page : http://alkemy-the-game.com/fr/la-disparition/

Cycle 783 - Vanishing (or Disappearance?)
picture 1: E'Dhu~Egir, sections VI and VIII are deserted ...
picture 2: ...the bodies are in the XL section. Some are still moving.
picture 3: I... I'll crawl with them.
picture 4: Seal immediately the citadel's gates. We'll eliminate anyone who attempts to enter.

Cycle 783 - Disappearance
picture 1: E'Dhu~Egir, sections VI and VIII are deserted...
picture 2: ...the bodies are in section XL. Some are still moving.
picture 3: I...I'll join them. (is he going to do them harm or to help? You could say something else to make it more clear.)
picture 4: Seal the citadel's gates immediately. We'll eliminate anyone who attempts to enter.

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Re: Fluff...

Message  Mehapito le Lun 26 Oct 2015 - 20:56

Vegabond a écrit:picture 3: I...I'll join them. [u](is he going to do them harm or to help? You could say something else to make it more clear.)
He's going to die with them...
I thought it was clear with the color change Crying or Very sad

Thanks
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Re: Fluff...

Message  Vegabond le Lun 26 Oct 2015 - 20:59

So for Picture 2 the "bodies" are their friends, still alive? Soldiers that are still fighting the intruders?

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Re: Fluff...

Message  Mehapito le Lun 26 Oct 2015 - 21:37

Vegabond a écrit:So for Picture 2 the "bodies" are their friends, still alive? Soldiers that are still fighting the intruders?
Friends, almost dead or dying...
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Re: Fluff...

Message  Vegabond le Lun 26 Oct 2015 - 21:41

That changes things. Here is my recommendation.

Cycle 783 - Disappearance
picture 1: E'Dhu~Egir, sections VI and VIII are deserted...
picture 2: ...our allies are in section XL, some are still alive.
picture 3: I...I'll join them.
picture 4: Seal the citadel's gates immediately. We'll eliminate anyone who attempts to enter.

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Re: Fluff...

Message  Mehapito le Lun 26 Oct 2015 - 21:46

In the french version, I just wrote "bodies".
Doesn't it make sens in english ?
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Re: Fluff...

Message  Vegabond le Lun 26 Oct 2015 - 22:53

Bodies could be allies or intruders, I was trying to make it more clear.

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Re: Fluff...

Message  Mehapito le Lun 26 Oct 2015 - 23:01

It's the same in french. So I keep it Wink
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Re: Fluff...

Message  Mehapito le Ven 30 Oct 2015 - 16:49

Halloween time : http://alkemy-the-game.com/fr/utopia-lloween/
They have to speak like "peasant"...

pic1 : Is there someone?
pic2 : Didn't you hear a little noise?
pic3 : Who's there?
pic4 : Stops fucking us fear! - Sorry Georges
pic5 : uh... Sure guys, there's a noise! - Plonk
pic6 : Blood' Stop your bullshit, Herb' - But, it wasn't me!
pic 7 : Guess Who

the picture 7 is a "surprise" for you too Wink
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Re: Fluff...

Message  Vegabond le Ven 30 Oct 2015 - 17:06

pic1 : Is someone there?
pic2 : Did you hear a noise?
pic3 : Who's there?
pic4 : Stop trying to fucking scare us! -Sorry Georges (I would suggest removing *fucking*, I don't think it would be well received.)
pic5 : uh... Guys I heard something! - Plonk
pic6 : Stop your bullshit, Herb. -But, it wasn't me!
pic7 : Guess Who

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Re: Fluff...

Message  Mehapito le Ven 30 Oct 2015 - 17:21

Vegabond a écrit:I would suggest removing *fucking*, I don't think it would be well received.
You're probably right Rolling Eyes
I thought it could be ok for Halloween...

What do you think of, pic 5 : uh... Guys I really heard something!
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Re: Fluff...

Message  Vegabond le Ven 30 Oct 2015 - 19:37

Mehapito a écrit:
You're probably right Rolling Eyes
I thought it could be ok for Halloween...

What do you think of, pic 5 : uh... Guys I really heard something!

I think that works just fine.

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Re: Fluff...

Message  Mehapito le Ven 30 Oct 2015 - 23:18

It's done : http://alkemy-the-game.com/en/utopia-lloween-2/

Thanks and Happy Alk-oween !
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Re: Fluff...

Message  Vegabond le Ven 30 Oct 2015 - 23:45

Cool. Happy Halloween to you too!

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Re: Fluff...

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