English proofreading to do - rulebook layout

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English proofreading to do - rulebook layout

Message  nicoleblond le Mar 13 Jan 2015 - 23:57

Here is the topic for rulebook layout Very Happy
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Re: English proofreading to do - rulebook layout

Message  mallachain le Mer 14 Jan 2015 - 3:00

Here are a few edits I've found on pages 2 & 3:

Page 2 Aurlok nation photo Drums should be Drum (he only has one):
Auroch Rain-Dancer with War Drum

Page 3:

Change "Presentation of nation" to "Nations of Mornea"
Change "Presentation" to "Introduction"
Change "What you'll need to play Bitz" to "What you need to play Bitz"

Under Dice system/symbols it should be:
"Limiting used and kept dice, dice bonuses and penalties, characteristic dice rolls"

Under Fight
The text needs a space between "fighting,special cases" and pluralize case to cases

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Re: English proofreading to do - rulebook layout

Message  mallachain le Mer 14 Jan 2015 - 5:29

Here are some nit-picky notes:

page 5
the hyphenation of "pyrithin" bothers me for some reason.

page 8
The dropcap A in "Alkemy" is running into the start of the third line of the paragraph.

page 11
In the Alchemists section:
first line: "On its card, an Alchemist is rated from 1 to 4," remove the "s" on Alchemists
second line: "corresponding to the alchemist's level of concen-" add an apostrophe between "t" & "s" in alchemists

page 12
"It is compulsory to recruit 1 hero. Heroes" add a space between "hero." and "Heroes"
In the Dice System section:
The dropcap "T" is running into the next letter of the first line.
"yellow for grave" change serious to grave to match the condition mentioned on page 10.
also capitalize Unscathed, Grave and Critical
"faces: sword, axe, and mace." add "and" between "axe," and "mace"

page 13
"- You have 2 penalty dice and 1 bonus die" add "and" between "dice" and "1"
Under Characteristic Dice Rolls
first sentence: "The characteristic dice roll" change "die" to "dice" for constistency.

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Re: English proofreading to do - rulebook layout

Message  mallachain le Mer 14 Jan 2015 - 5:52

and some more:

page 14
"The line of sight is an imaginary straight line to know" add "line" between "straight" and "to"
Under size of minaiture
"The size of a miniature is indicated on its card." remove the "s" on "sizes", "miniatures" and "cards", replace "the" with "a", replace "their" with "its"

page 15
third line: "from a point on its base to" replace "from" with "on"
Under The Scenery
fourth line: "The scenery elements are" add an "s" to "element"
"- Open country:" change "area" to "country" to match the photo caption

page 16
Change second photo caption to "Cluttered Land"
Change fourth photo caption to "Special Land"
Last line: "are on opposite sides." change "both" to "opposite"

page 17
Under Activation Phase
second line "card and plays all the miniatures" remove the "s" on "cards"
second paragraph, second line "of all miniatures" add "all" between "of" and "miniatures"
second paragraph, last line "necessary for each miniature." ad red text

page 18
first photo caption: "perform another action." change last word to "action."
second paragraph, last line "be “on watch."" move the close quote mark to after the period
same with second photo caption "put “on watch."" move the close quote mark to after the period

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Re: English proofreading to do - rulebook layout

Message  mallachain le Mer 14 Jan 2015 - 19:01

page 19
Second line "In this case, the card has several lifelines" add "in this case," before "The card"
Eleventh line "(walk, load, fire, etc.)" change "walking" to "walk"
On Watch section, Reaction paragraph
Second line ""on watch"" change brackets to quotes to be consistent

page 20
First paragraph, first line "digits at the" change "to" to "at"
Second paragraph (in red) "whichever it is" change "whatever" to "whichever"

page 21
Second paragraph, second line "target miniature must be equal to or" add "be" between "must" and "equal"
Failed charge section, ninth line "Combat Cards (CC)Parry” or “Inactive”" add "(CC)" after "Combat Cards", change "Parade" to "Parry"

page 26
Third paragraph "is “on watch,"" move the close quote to after the comma

page 28
Second paragraph, third line under shooting "even if only part of the target is visible" add "of" between "part" and "the"
Last line "The Aim bonus gains the shooter" change "gets" to "gains"

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Re: English proofreading to do - rulebook layout

Message  mallachain le Mer 14 Jan 2015 - 19:22

page 31
last line "they all lose all the Aim bonus" remove "all" between "lose" and "the"

page 35
Last paragraph, third line "profile card, there a" remove the comma

page 38
credits paragraph change "mallachain" to "David Dierks" Very Happy

Last page
Change "février 2015" to "February 2015"

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Re: English proofreading to do - rulebook layout

Message  nicoleblond le Mer 14 Jan 2015 - 22:29

Thanks, all corrections are done Very Happy
Mallachain a écrit:page 19
Second line "In this case, the card has several lifelines" add "in this case," before "The card"
Eleventh line "(walk, load, fire, etc.)" change "walking" to "walk"
I changed "load" to "charge" and "fire" to "shoot".

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Re: English proofreading to do - rulebook layout

Message  nicoleblond le Lun 19 Jan 2015 - 22:21

See below corrections of Bethan and Brett that they send me by email
Bethan and Brett a écrit:I've been going through with Brett, and outside of Mallachains corrections, we've just picked up on a few parts that seem a little unclear.


Page 19 - Reactivation section

"He cannot run if the figure has previously run or before charging" - this sentence does not make clear who is or can be charging, could it be made a little clearer exactly what the rule is here?
I compared with french version. The sentence in bold must say that the figure don't make new movements if it made a run or charge.
I purpose that : It cannot make new movement if it has a run or charge attack before.
Right ?

Bethan and Brett a écrit:
"Only figures with 3 or 4 AP may therefore activate". This is confusing as it seems that you should only need one or 2 AP (one to activate and one more to spend) - is this sentence correct or does this rule need further clarification or the word therefore to be removed?
This sentence seems correct (Only figures with 3 or 4 AP may therefore reactivate).
When you want to reactivate a figure that you have already used, you must spend 1 AP to reactivate figure, and after, you can use AP.
Example:
You activated Garlan and you make it a walk (1 AP)
You put Garlan on watch. It still has 3 AP.
You choose to reactivate Garlan. You spend 1 AP to reactivate. Garlan still has 2 action points. You can make a run (2 AP), a walk (1 AP) and a charge attack (1 AP) after.

Bethan and Brett a écrit:
Page 20 - last sentence could read "A miniature that runs cannot contact or initiate a fight against an enemy model" for simplicity and clarity.
OK

Bethan and Brett a écrit:
Page 22 - Third line from bottom - use "figure" not "figurine", as have done elsewhere throughout.
OK
I've changed this word in
page 22 (Charge multiple opponents, second bullet point) twice
page 25 (section falling)

Bethan and Brett a écrit:
Page 26 - Fourth bullet point. Should this read " A model without the Long Reach skill and IN melee with an opposing ...... " removing extra words for clarity and the is/in change.
OK.

Bethan and Brett a écrit:
Page 30 - second sentence - remove "from its opponent" as it lengthens and complicates the reading of the sentence.
OK

Bethan and Brett a écrit:Page :37 Final sentence - The player chooses a profile card and deploys any (should this be ALL?) miniatures that are ....
Yes, all.

Bethan and Brett a écrit:Throughout - Perhaps use "does not" rather than "doesn't".
OK, I changed it.
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Re: English proofreading to do - rulebook layout

Message  nicoleblond le Mar 20 Jan 2015 - 0:04

I have lot of questions
Page 3, summary, right column, section fight. It concerns text below title.
text a écrit:Initiate combat, contact, the distance cheat, fighting, special cases, combat height, falling, fighting with multiple miniatures per card
The word for section is "fight" and we use "combat" after.
Which term must we use ? Fight ? combat ?

Same remarks for shooting section...
text a écrit:Shooting roll, cover, multiple figures per card and shooting, shooting into combat

Same case, we use "shooting" and "ranged attack" on summary.
Which term must we use ? Shooting ? Ranged attack ?



Introductory scenario jin posts 36/38
Set up objectives, place scenery, place alchemical components, deployment, scenario objective

Measurement, Size and Line of Sight 14/15
Unit of measure, sight lines, covered and hidden miniatures, sizes of miniatures and scenery elements

We use scenery and scenery elements. Can we use scenery only?


Page 7 - templars
text a écrit:Separate from the church and secular nobles, the Temple has an aura of mystery that, if anything, the disappearance of the king while under their protection has improved.
I wonder if translation is correct. Templar instead temple ?
In french, we say that the Templar has an aura of mystery that "affect its look".
I don't feel that the translation is correct.


Page 8
text a écrit:which lasts about 1 3/4 to 2 hours.
Can we use 1h45 instead?


Page 10 - section level hit points
text a écrit:When the last red box is checked, the miniature is out of action and removed from the game.
We talk last red box. In future, multiple profiles will have hit points reversed.
Should we talk about the last hit point of life ?

Reflex (REF) (initiative for close combat, disengagement...)
Fight ? Combat ? Close combat ?


Page 11 - section alchemists
text a écrit:On its card, an Alchemist is rated from 1 to 4, ­corresponding to the alchemist’s level of concentration.
Level of concentration ? Focus level ?


Page 12 - section Dice system / symbols
text a écrit:Each die color corresponds to the health status of the miniature
...
The numbers and symbols on the die faces are different depending on the color.
dice instead ?


Page 14 - Unit of measure
text a écrit:You need a standard for managing the movement and shooting ranges of your figurines. The unit of measurement in ALKEMY is inches and is indicated by ”. One inch is approximately equal to 2.5 cm.
Standard ? In french, it's tape measure.
Tape measure instead Standard?


Page 15 - The scenery
text a écrit:- Open areas: often plains, valleys or other ground.
In french, we say that open areas only act on the game in any way.
Should we add this sentence?


Page 16
text a écrit:- Hindering terrain: walls, hedges ... These elements interfere with sight lines and movement. They are of size 1 or 2 and require 1 inch of movement to cross.
In French, we say that hindering terrain provides a covered.
Should we add this sentence ?


Page 17 - Initiative Phase
text a écrit:If the winner chooses for his opponent to go first, the opponent cannot refuse.
The opponent cannot refuse to play one card. He cannot passing one turn.
is that it should not be more specific?


To be continued...
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Re: English proofreading to do - rulebook layout

Message  mallachain le Mer 21 Jan 2015 - 20:25

Page 19  - Reactivation section

"He cannot run if the figure has previously run or before charging" -  this sentence does not make clear who is or can be charging, could it be made a little clearer exactly what the rule is here?
I compared with french version. The sentence in bold must say that the figure don't make new movements if it made a run or charge.
I purpose that : It cannot make new movement if it has a run or charge attack before.
Right ?
How about "The figure can make no new movement if it has previously run or charge."

Bethan and Brett a écrit:
"Only figures with 3 or 4 AP may therefore activate". This is confusing as it seems that you should only need one or 2 AP (one to activate and one more to spend) - is this sentence correct or does this rule need further clarification or the word therefore to be removed?
This sentence seems correct (Only figures with 3 or 4 AP may therefore reactivate).
When you want to reactivate a figure that you have already used, you must spend 1 AP to reactivate figure, and after, you can use AP.
Example:
You activated Garlan and you make it a walk (1 AP)
You put Garlan on watch. It still has 3 AP.
You choose to reactivate Garlan. You spend 1 AP to reactivate. Garlan still has 2 action points. You can make a run (2 AP), a walk (1 AP) and a charge attack (1 AP) after.
I see what they mean. Maybe if we move the "therefore" it would make more sense: "Therefore, only figures with 3 or 4 AP may activate."

I agree with all their other changes.


Dernière édition par mallachain le Mer 21 Jan 2015 - 21:08, édité 1 fois

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Re: English proofreading to do - rulebook layout

Message  mallachain le Mer 21 Jan 2015 - 21:07

nicoleblond a écrit:I have lot of questions
Page 3, summary, right column, section fight. It concerns text below title.
text a écrit:Initiate combat, contact, the distance cheat, fighting, special cases, combat height, falling, fighting with multiple miniatures per card
The word for section is "fight" and we use "combat" after.
Which term must we use ? Fight ? combat ?

I think we should change all instances of "combat" to "fight" in this section.

nicoleblond a écrit:Same remarks for shooting section...
text a écrit:Shooting roll, cover, multiple figures per card and shooting, shooting into combat

Same case, we use "shooting" and "ranged attack" on summary.
Which term must we use ? Shooting ? Ranged attack ?

In this case, they are interchangeable. Either works because there is no difference between shooting or ranged attack. Sometimes it reads better to say "ranged attack" and sometimes it works better to say "shooting."

nicoleblond a écrit:Introductory scenario jin posts 36/38
Set up objectives, place scenery, place alchemical components, deployment, scenario objective

Measurement, Size and Line of Sight 14/15
Unit of measure, sight lines, covered and hidden miniatures, sizes of miniatures and scenery elements

We use scenery and scenery elements. Can we use scenery only?

Yes.

nicoleblond a écrit:Page 7 - templars
text a écrit:Separate from the church and secular nobles, the Temple has an aura of mystery that, if anything, the disappearance of the king while under their protection has improved.
I wonder if translation is correct. Templar instead temple ?
In french, we say that the Templar has an aura of mystery that "affect its look".
I don't feel that the translation is correct.

You are correct. It should be "the Templars have an aura of mystery"

nicoleblond a écrit:
Page 8
text a écrit:which lasts about 1 3/4 to 2 hours.
Can we use 1h45 instead?

That's a great idea!

nicoleblond a écrit:
Page 10 - section level hit points
text a écrit:When the last red box is checked, the miniature is out of action and removed from the game.
We talk last red box. In future, multiple profiles will have hit points reversed.
Should we talk about the last hit point of life ?
I'm not sure what you mean by reversed. Do you mean the colors are reversed? Red, yellow, white instead of white, yellow, red?

nicoleblond a écrit:Reflex (REF) (initiative for close combat, disengagement...)
Fight ? Combat ? Close combat ?
Fight

nicoleblond a écrit:Page 11 - section alchemists
text a écrit:On its card, an Alchemist is rated from 1 to 4, ­corresponding to the alchemist’s level of concentration.
Level of concentration ? Focus level ?
I think we leave it as concentration, since we use that on page 35 when talking about the alchemy process.

nicoleblond a écrit:Page 12 - section Dice system / symbols
text a écrit:Each die color corresponds to the health status of the miniature
...
The numbers and symbols on the die faces are different depending on the color.
dice instead ?
Yes.

nicoleblond a écrit:Page 14 - Unit of measure
text a écrit:You need a standard for managing the movement and shooting ranges of your figurines. The unit of measurement in ALKEMY is inches and is indicated by ”. One inch is approximately equal to 2.5 cm.
Standard ? In french, it's tape measure.
Tape measure instead Standard?
In this sentence, "standard" means "an idea or thing used as a measure." So I would leave it.

nicoleblond a écrit:Page 15 - The scenery
text a écrit:- Open areas: often plains, valleys or other ground.
In french, we say that open areas only act on the game in any way.
Should we add this sentence?
Try this "Open areas have no effect on the game."

nicoleblond a écrit:Page 16
text a écrit:- Hindering terrain: walls, hedges ... These elements interfere with sight lines and movement. They are of size 1 or 2 and require 1 inch of movement to cross.
In French, we say that hindering terrain provides a covered.
Should we add this sentence ?
I would modify the first sentence "These elements interfere with movement, sight lines and can provide cover against ranged attacks."

nicoleblond a écrit:Page 17 - Initiative Phase
text a écrit:If the winner chooses for his opponent to go first, the opponent cannot refuse.
The opponent cannot refuse to play one card. He cannot passing one turn.
is that it should not be more specific?
Let's use this "If the winner chooses for his opponent to go first, the opponent cannot refuse and must play a card."

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Re: English proofreading to do - rulebook layout

Message  nicoleblond le Jeu 22 Jan 2015 - 23:37

mallachain a écrit: How about "The figure can make no new movement if it has previously run or charge."
Bethan purpose "The figure cannot run if he has previously used a run or charge action this turn."
Bethan's sentence seems closer to me of the French version.


mallachain a écrit:I see what they mean. Maybe if we move the "therefore" it would make more sense: "Therefore, only figures with 3 or 4 AP may activate."
Bethan and Brett a écrit:Regarding AP - we read this wrong and can now see that it refers to the overall AP displayed n the card. We thought it referred to  Remaining action points after it reactivated. This might be an issue with some English readers thinking the same?
Only figures with 3 or 4 AP may therefore activate ?
or
Therefore, only figures with 3 or 4 AP may activate. ?


mallachain a écrit:I think we should change all instances of "combat" to "fight" in this section.
Bethan and Brett a écrit:Re- page three - stick with one term but we prefer combat.
Very Happy  What do we do ?


mallachain a écrit:In this case, they are interchangeable. Either works because there is no difference between shooting or ranged attack. Sometimes it reads better to say "ranged attack" and sometimes it works better to say "shooting."
Bethan and Brett a écrit:I would use Ranged Attack “roll” but leave the other terms as shooting
Agreed to use both.


Page 7 Templars
Bethan and Brett a écrit:Temple/Templar - We think this should be changed to a Templar
mallachain a écrit:You are correct. It should be "the Templars have an aura of mystery"
OK to change Temple in Templar but...
text a écrit:Separate from the church and secular nobles, the Temple has an aura of mystery that, if anything, the disappearance of the king while under their protection has improved.
In french, we say that the Templar has an aura of mystery that "affect its look".
I don't feel that the translation is correct (...mystery that, if anything, the disappearance...)



mallanchain a écrit:I'm not sure what you mean by reversed. Do you mean the colors are reversed? Red, yellow, white instead of white, yellow, red?
Yes, that's it. Bethan purpose
Bethan and Brett a écrit:Last Life Point rather than last hit point of life
I've changed:
When the Last Life Point is checked, the miniature is out of action and removed from the game.


mallanchain a écrit:I think we leave it as concentration, since we use that on page 35 when talking about the alchemy process.
Bethan and Brett a écrit:focus level
Very Happy  What do we do ?


mallanchain a écrit:In this sentence, "standard" means "an idea or thing used as a measure." So I would leave it.
Bethan and Brett a écrit:Its Tape Measure!!!
Very Happy  What do we do ?


mallanchain a écrit:Try this "Open areas have no effect on the game."
Bethan and Brett a écrit:FIGURES ACT AS NORMAL WHILE IN OPEN AREAS.
Mallanchain's sentence seems closer to me of the French version.

mallanchain a écrit:I would modify the first sentence "These elements interfere with movement, sight lines and can provide cover against ranged attacks."
Bethan and Brett a écrit:These elements interfere with movement and sight lines, providing cover etc….
OK


Mallanchain a écrit:Let's use this "If the winner chooses for his opponent to go first, the opponent cannot refuse and must play a card.
Bethan and Brett a écrit:The opponent accent refuse and pass their turn.
It seems to me that sentence of Mallanchain is more specific.
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Re: English proofreading to do - rulebook layout

Message  nicoleblond le Ven 23 Jan 2015 - 0:13

Page 20 - run section
text a écrit:Running prohibits any further movement (it is possible to perform other movement before running to the limit of AP available).
In french version, we say that a model can make one or several walk movement before running.
In english version, we say "other movement" but we could to think that a model can make a charge before running while this is not possible...

I purpose
Running prohibits any further movement (it is possible to perform one or several walk before running to the limit of AP available).
Right?


Page 22 - Charge multiple opponents section
text a écrit:The attacker designates all models they wish to charge and chooses one of the figures as the initial target.
He instead they ?



General remarks when I read translation.
We use sometimes "miniatures", "model" and "figure". Can we use three terms?


Page 23 - engagement section
text a écrit:Engagement is used when a you want a miniature to come in contact with an opposing miniature which is already involved in a fight, or in response to shooting.
Delete a?

Caption of desengagement picture
text a écrit:The ghulam disengages from the battle. He will have to make a REF roll in opposition to one of the two miniatures.
combat instead battle?

To be continued.
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Re: English proofreading to do - rulebook layout

Message  mallachain le Ven 23 Jan 2015 - 21:46

nicoleblond a écrit:
mallachain a écrit: How about "The figure can make no new movement if it has previously run or charge."
Bethan purpose "The figure cannot run if he has previously used a run or charge action this turn."
Bethan's sentence seems closer to me of the French version.
Works for me.

nicoleblond a écrit:
mallachain a écrit:I see what they mean. Maybe if we move the "therefore" it would make more sense: "Therefore, only figures with 3 or 4 AP may activate."
Bethan and Brett a écrit:Regarding AP - we read this wrong and can now see that it refers to the overall AP displayed n the card. We thought it referred to  Remaining action points after it reactivated. This might be an issue with some English readers thinking the same?
Only figures with 3 or 4 AP may therefore activate ?
or
Therefore, only figures with 3 or 4 AP may activate. ?
How about this to clarify a bit more: "Therefore, only figures with 3 or 4 AP printed on their card may reactivate."
"Therefore" first reads better in English.

nicoleblond a écrit:
mallachain a écrit:I think we should change all instances of "combat" to "fight" in this section.
Bethan and Brett a écrit:Re- page three - stick with one term but we prefer combat.
Very Happy  What do we do ?
I like "combat" better than "fight." Since we're using "melee" for Long Reach engagements, I don't see anything wrong with switching back to combat.


nicoleblond a écrit:Page 7 Templars
Bethan and Brett a écrit:Temple/Templar - We think this should be changed to a Templar
mallachain a écrit:You are correct. It should be "the Templars have an aura of mystery"
OK to change Temple in Templar but...
text a écrit:Separate from the church and secular nobles, the Temple has an aura of mystery that, if anything, the disappearance of the king while under their protection has improved.
In french, we say that the Templar has an aura of mystery that "affect its look".
I don't feel that the translation is correct (...mystery that, if anything, the disappearance...)
It actually is, but if you want to drop it you can and the sentence will still work.

nicoleblond a écrit:
mallanchain a écrit:I'm not sure what you mean by reversed. Do you mean the colors are reversed? Red, yellow, white instead of white, yellow, red?
Yes, that's it. Bethan purpose
Bethan and Brett a écrit:Last Life Point rather than last hit point of life
I've changed:
When the Last Life Point is checked, the miniature is out of action and removed from the game.
Good idea.

nicoleblond a écrit:
mallanchain a écrit:I think we leave it as concentration, since we use that on page 35 when talking about the alchemy process.
Bethan and Brett a écrit:focus level
Very Happy  What do we do ?
I would leave it as "concentration" unless you want to replace all instances of "concentration" with "focus" (see page 35 - it primarily uses concentration).

nicoleblond a écrit:
mallanchain a écrit:In this sentence, "standard" means "an idea or thing used as a measure." So I would leave it.
Bethan and Brett a écrit:Its Tape Measure!!!
Very Happy  What do we do ?
"standard" means the unit of measurement while "tape measure" is the object that you use to make measurements.
While it does technically work with either, "standard" is more elegant.

nicoleblond a écrit:
mallanchain a écrit:Try this "Open areas have no effect on the game."
Bethan and Brett a écrit:FIGURES ACT AS NORMAL WHILE IN OPEN AREAS.
Mallanchain's sentence seems closer to me of the French version.

mallanchain a écrit:I would modify the first sentence "These elements interfere with movement, sight lines and can provide cover against ranged attacks."
Bethan and Brett a écrit:These elements interfere with movement and sight lines, providing cover etc….
OK


Mallanchain a écrit:Let's use this "If the winner chooses for his opponent to go first, the opponent cannot refuse and must play a card.
Bethan and Brett a écrit:The opponent accent refuse and pass their turn.
It seems to me that sentence of Mallanchain is more specific.
True

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Re: English proofreading to do - rulebook layout

Message  mallachain le Ven 23 Jan 2015 - 21:53

nicoleblond a écrit:Page 20 - run section
text a écrit:Running prohibits any further movement (it is possible to perform other movement before running to the limit of AP available).
In french version, we say that a model can make one or several walk movement before running.
In english version, we say "other movement" but we could to think that a model can make a charge before running while this is not possible...

I purpose
Running prohibits any further movement (it is possible to perform one or several walk before running to the limit of AP available).
Right?
Add an s to walk "walks" and it is good. "it is possible to perform one or several walks before running to the limit of AP available"

nicoleblond a écrit:Page 22 - Charge multiple opponents section
text a écrit:The attacker designates all models they wish to charge and chooses one of the figures as the initial target.
He instead they ?
Good catch. "The attacker designates all models he wishes to charge and chooses one of the figures as the initial target."

nicoleblond a écrit:General remarks when I read translation.
We use sometimes "miniatures", "model" and "figure". Can we use three terms?
Yes. They are all interchangeable.

nicoleblond a écrit:Page 23 - engagement section
text a écrit:Engagement is used when a you want a miniature to come in contact with an opposing miniature which is already involved in a fight, or in response to shooting.
Delete a?
I agree.

nicoleblond a écrit:Caption of desengagement picture
text a écrit:The ghulam disengages from the battle. He will have to make a REF roll in opposition to one of the two miniatures.
combat instead battle?
Yes.

To be continued.[/quote]

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Re: English proofreading to do - rulebook layout

Message  nicoleblond le Ven 23 Jan 2015 - 23:54

mallanchain a écrit:How about this to clarify a bit more: "Therefore, only figures with 3 or 4 AP printed on their card may reactivate."
"Therefore" first reads better in English.
OK, I've changed.


Mallanchain a écrit:It actually is, but if you want to drop it you can and the sentence will still work.
OK, I keep initial translation.


mallanchain a écrit:I would leave it as "concentration" unless you want to replace all instances of "concentration" with "focus" (see page 35 - it primarily uses concentration).
OK, we keep concentration. I verified alchemy section and we use concentration.


mallanchain a écrit:"standard" means the unit of measurement while "tape measure" is the object that you use to make measurements.
While it does technically work with either, "standard" is more elegant.
OK


Mallanchain a écrit:Add an s to walk "walks" and it is good. "it is possible to perform one or several walks before running to the limit of AP available
OK Very Happy



I finish verification Very Happy
See below


Page 24 - initiate combat section
text a écrit:Once started, a fight continues as long as one of the involved miniatures remains in contact or in Long Reach of the other.
I wonder if translation is correct... Long reach is skill.
In french, we say "distance cheat" to explain two models are in fight but not in contact, and one own long reach skill.
Anyway, in caption from picture, we say "melee with long reach".
Could we say
"Once started, a fight continues as long as one of the involved miniatures remains in contact or melee with Long Reach."
or
"Once started, a fight continues as long as one of the involved miniatures remains in contact or distance cheat."


Page 24 - Fighting section
text a écrit:Fights always resolve one against one, even if multiple miniatures are in contact or within Long Reach of an opposing miniature. If a model is in combat against more opposing miniatures, it is free to choose which it fights. A model can not shoot when in combat. Once in combat, no movement is permitted without first making a disengagement. There is no fighting between two miniatures when the two are no longer in contact or within Long Reach of each other.
Same remark. Could you use "distance cheat" instead "long reach" ?


Page 26 - combat cards section
text a écrit:This choice is made only for the current battle.
Battle ?

text a écrit:- If a model has not charged, but it is “on watch,” playing the “Inactive” CC will cost 1 AP less.
There is an error. Playing a CC cost 1 AP except "inactive" CC.
I purpose
- If a model has not charged, but it is “on watch,” playing a CC will cost 1 AP unless you play "inactive" CC.

text a écrit:- A model without the Long Reach skill and in melee with an opposing miniature can only choose the “Parry” or “Inactive” CC.
Do you use melee or distance cheat ?

text a écrit:If it chooses “Parry,” it cannot perform an attack if its result is 3 points greater than that of its opponent.
Add CC after Parry ? "If it chooses "Parry" CC, it cannot..."

text a écrit:They compare the cards to identify potential modifiers and special rules that apply to the battle underway.
Battle?


Page 28 - 4- Both players have chosen the “Inactive” or “Parry” CC.
text a écrit:If both players each chose the “Inactive” CC, the activation of the card ends and the active player returns initiative to his opponent, even if all miniatures associated with the card have not been activated.
returns initiative?


Page 30 - shooting into combat section
text a écrit:If successful, the figure in the fight with the target takes DAM. If there are multiple miniatures in combat with the target, the figure closest to the shooter is hit.
Do you use same terms ?


Page 33 - Alchemical Components section
text a écrit:If an alchemist is within 1 inch of a token placed on the scenery, the alchemist can, at the end of an action, reap components from the scenery
caption a écrit:The priest made a walk and will harvest the component.
The alchemist freely harvest a token at the end of an action.
We don't say that it's free.

text a écrit:If the scenery element contains tokens he has an affinity for, he collects 4 alchemical components; if the scenery element contains tokens of other elements, he only collects 2 alchemical components.
It miss sentence for alchemist for inner circle...
he collects 4 alchemical components for an alchemist for outer circle and 6 alchemist components for alchemist for inner circle.

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Re: English proofreading to do - rulebook layout

Message  mallachain le Lun 26 Jan 2015 - 0:21

nicoleblond a écrit:Page 24 - initiate combat section
text a écrit:Once started, a fight continues as long as one of the involved miniatures remains in contact or in Long Reach of the other.
I wonder if translation is correct... Long reach is skill.
In french, we say "distance cheat" to explain two models are in fight but not in contact, and one own long reach skill.
Anyway, in caption from picture, we say "melee with long reach".
Could we say
"Once started, a fight continues as long as one of the involved miniatures remains in contact or melee with Long Reach."
or
"Once started, a fight continues as long as one of the involved miniatures remains in contact or distance cheat."
I like this one better: "Once started, a fight continues as long as one of the involved miniatures remains in contact or melee with Long Reach."

nicoleblond a écrit:Page 24 - Fighting section
text a écrit:Fights always resolve one against one, even if multiple miniatures are in contact or within Long Reach of an opposing miniature. If a model is in combat against more opposing miniatures, it is free to choose which it fights. A model can not shoot when in combat. Once in combat, no movement is permitted without first making a disengagement. There is no fighting between two miniatures when the two are no longer in contact or within Long Reach of each other.
Same remark. Could you use "distance cheat" instead "long reach" ?
Yes

nicoleblond a écrit:Page 26 - combat cards section
text a écrit:This choice is made only for the current battle.
Battle ?
Whoops! That should probably be "combat"  Very Happy

nicoleblond a écrit:
text a écrit:- If a model has not charged, but it is “on watch,” playing the “Inactive” CC will cost 1 AP less.
There is an error. Playing a CC cost 1 AP except "inactive" CC.
I purpose
- If a model has not charged, but it is “on watch,” playing a CC will cost 1 AP unless you play "inactive" CC.
That's much better.

nicoleblond a écrit:
text a écrit:- A model without the Long Reach skill and in melee with an opposing miniature can only choose the “Parry” or “Inactive” CC.
Do you use melee or distance cheat ?
Didn't we decide that melee was fighting with Long Reach and combat was fighting in base-to-base?
If so, then the sentence is correct.

nicoleblond a écrit:
text a écrit:If it chooses “Parry,” it cannot perform an attack if its result is 3 points greater than that of its opponent.
Add CC after Parry ? "If it chooses "Parry" CC, it cannot..."
Yes

nicoleblond a écrit:
text a écrit:They compare the cards to identify potential modifiers and special rules that apply to the battle underway.
Battle?
Probably should be "combat"

nicoleblond a écrit:Page 28 - 4- Both players have chosen the “Inactive” or “Parry” CC.
text a écrit:If both players each chose the “Inactive” CC, the activation of the card ends and the active player returns initiative to his opponent, even if all miniatures associated with the card have not been activated.
returns initiative?
That's correct.

nicoleblond a écrit:Page 30 - shooting into combat section
text a écrit:If successful, the figure in the fight with the target takes DAM. If there are multiple miniatures in combat with the target, the figure closest to the shooter is hit.
Do you use same terms ?
They should both be "combat"

nicoleblond a écrit:Page 33 - Alchemical Components section
text a écrit:If an alchemist is within 1 inch of a token placed on the scenery, the alchemist can, at the end of an action, reap components from the scenery
caption a écrit:The priest made a walk and will harvest the component.
The alchemist freely harvest a token at the end of an action.
We don't say that it's free.
Good catch. But we need to add an "s" to harvest: "The alchemist freely harvests a token at the end of an action."

nicoleblond a écrit:
text a écrit:If the scenery element contains tokens he has an affinity for, he collects 4 alchemical components; if the scenery element contains tokens of other elements, he only collects 2 alchemical components.
It miss sentence for alchemist for inner circle...
he collects 4 alchemical components for an alchemist for outer circle and 6 alchemist components for alchemist for inner circle.
We need to change it to:
"If the scenery element contains tokens he has an affinity for, he collects 4 alchemical components if he is from the outer circle or 6 components if he is from the inner circle; if the scenery element contains tokens of other elements, he only collects 2 alchemical components regardless of his rank."

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Re: English proofreading to do - rulebook layout

Message  nicoleblond le Mar 27 Jan 2015 - 0:03

I make corrections. I send you pdf layout.
I purpose that we do final proofreading.
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Suggestions

Message  Bethstar le Mar 27 Jan 2015 - 23:01

Some suggestions:

Page 17 Initiative Phase

First sentence, Should it read: " The 2 players choose one miniature from their force"

Page 22 Multiple Miniatures per card and charge

Second sentence, should it read: "both miniatures are moved to the target of the charge"

Page 33 Alchemical Components

Third sentence should it read:
"the alchemist freely harvests tokens"
and
"reaping components from the scenery"

Also Brett Haskell is spelt with two LL’s .

Thank you

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Re: English proofreading to do - rulebook layout

Message  mallachain le Mar 27 Jan 2015 - 23:11

I agree with all of Brett's edits.

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Re: English proofreading to do - rulebook layout

Message  nicoleblond le Mar 3 Fév 2015 - 14:03

I'm sorry, I was very busy with other projects for alkemy...
I've made all corrections and I have further questions/interrogations...

Page 3
10/11 - It miss "per card" after multiple miniatures ?
15/16 - The sceneries ?
19 - multiples figures (instead figurines) per card
20 - movement (Mvt). Movements instead ?
36/38 - place sceneries ?

Page 6
I think it miss "aurlok" word in a sentence.
Since their Manitous have awakened, peaceful aurloks (instead warriors) have become terrible animals.

Page 7
Avalon, I think there is a reversal of direction.
But the Holy Tree needs space to grow and the Baronnies must offer their sons news lordship.

Templar. I think that we must make corrections and I don't understand translation at a location...
Separate from the secular church and nobles (instead church and secular nobles), the Templar (instead Temple) have an aura of mystery that, if anything, the disappearance of the king while under their protection has improved.
At this location, we say in french that aura of mystery of templar harm reputation (or repute or good name), and the disappearance of the king while under their protection...
Is it right with "if anything" ?

Page 10
Paragraph for life level... The first non-checked box indicates the health state and tells (gives instead) you the color...

Page 12
Create a warband. It miss "points" at "The total points of recruited miniatures should not exceed 180 (points)."
and for over 300 (instead 301) points, you must...

Dice system / symbols
The numbers and symbols on the dice faces are different depending on the color.
Remove on ?

Page 14
Last sentence. ... (a model has line of sight to another) or a scenery element larger (higher instead) than the 2 miniatures.
Same remarks on next sentence page 15... (a model is hidden from another)

Page 16
Special land. ... ravines... These (they instead ?) block movement but have no effects...

Page 17
framed in red, first sentence. ... those of the booklet (rulebook instead ?)
Activation phase, first paragraph, second sentence. These (they instead ?) are the active miniatures...

Page 18
paragraph "once the active player" - (using pins or small tokens)
In french, we say "little dices". It is right ?

Passing one's turn. ... He gives inititiave (initiative instead) to his opponent (b). If (b) decides to activate... (it miss "it" ?). If it (b) decides to activate...

Page 19
Miniature on watch / 1) reactivation. The active player must sped 1 AP to reactivate a miniature "on watch".
In french, we talk about model "previously activated". It is necessary to specify?

The figure cannot run if he has previously... That's a mistake. In french, we talk "new movement" (walk, charge or run)
The figurine cannot make new movement if he has previously... It is right?

2) reaction. Middle of paragraph.
If the model has a loaded ranged weapon, it may... In French, we talk about a model is attacked.
If the model is attacked, it may make a reaction shot...

Page 23
Paragraph engagement, last sentence. This movement must be done in the most direct route. You cannot pass an opposing figure.
It is right ? When I put the sentence in google translate from english to french, it seems right.

Page 25
Special case : disengagement / engagement
For 1 AP, it can disengage out of the range (distance cheat instead ?) of the first...

Page 26
There are four cases:
... gained by the chosen CC (1 die bonus (bonus die instead ?) for Quick CC, 1 die penalty (penalty die instead?)...

Page 27
Same remarks.
1 die bonus (four times)

Page 28
4 - both players have chosen... Players who chose (choose instead?) the "parry" CC...

Shooting, second paragraph, last sentence. ... attacks, the player should estimate the distance of all shots...
In french, we say that the player must estimate at the same time the distance of all shots.
... attacks, the player must estimate at the same time the distance of all shots...
It is right?

Page 29
Shooting roll. first sentence. It miss skill. ... or even 4 if alchemy (or skill) influence the shot...
If the roll is greater than the target's DEF, the... It miss equal... If the roll is equal or greater than the target's DEF, the...

Page 31
Last paragraph. ... The range of the missile weapon does not... missile ?
... you must verify that the original shooter is within range of the reaction... It's reaction shooter instead...

Page 33
Formula cards. Formula threshold... needs to compete (complete instead?)...

Page 34
Three caption, it miss the word "formula".

Page 35
First paragraph, last sentence. ... alchemy roll is equal to the Spirit (Mind instead?) characteristic of the...
Last paragraph, end of paragraph. ... It retains its focus (level instead?) until it is hurt...

Page 36
sub-title : Set up objectives. Place objectives instead?
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Re: English proofreading to do - rulebook layout

Message  mallachain le Mer 4 Fév 2015 - 22:01

nicoleblond a écrit:Page 3
10/11 - It miss "per card" after multiple miniatures ?
Correct, it should be: "multiple miniatures per card,"
nicoleblond a écrit:15/16 - The sceneries ?
I think it is good as written.
nicoleblond a écrit:19 - multiples figures (instead figurines) per card
It can go either way.
nicoleblond a écrit:20 - movement (Mvt). Movements instead ?
No. Movement is correct.
nicoleblond a écrit:36/38 - place sceneries ?
No, scenery is correct.

nicoleblond a écrit:Page 6
I think it miss "aurlok" word in a sentence.
Since their Manitous have awakened, peaceful aurloks (instead warriors) have become terrible animals.
That works, but Aurloks should be capitalized.

nicoleblond a écrit:Page 7
Avalon, I think there is a reversal of direction.
But the Holy Tree needs space to grow and the Baronnies must offer their sons news lordship.
I don't understand what you mean.

nicoleblond a écrit:Templar. I think that we must make corrections and I don't understand translation at a location...
Separate from the secular church and nobles (instead church and secular nobles), the Templar (instead Temple) have an aura of mystery that, if anything, the disappearance of the king while under their protection has improved.
At this location, we say in french that aura of mystery of templar harm reputation (or repute or good name), and the disappearance of the king while under their protection...
Is it right with "if anything" ?
I think that got confused in the translation. If the templar reputation has been harmed, we should use this: "Separate from the secular church and nobles, the Templars have an aura of mystery that harms their reputation, although it has been improved by the disappearance of the king while under their protection."

nicoleblond a écrit:Page 10
Paragraph for life level... The first non-checked box indicates the health state and tells (gives instead) you the color...
Gives works better.

nicoleblond a écrit:Page 12
Create a warband. It miss "points" at "The total points of recruited miniatures should not exceed 180 (points)."
and for over 300 (instead 301) points, you must...
Both sentences are correct as written. "The total points of recruited miniatures should not exceed 180." adding points to the end would be redundant.
"...for over 300 points, you must recruit 2 or 3 heroes." if you change 300 to 301, it will add confusion.

nicoleblond a écrit:Dice system / symbols
The numbers and symbols on the dice faces are different depending on the color.
Remove on ?
No, "on" should stay.

nicoleblond a écrit:Page 14
Last sentence. ... (a model has line of sight to another) or a scenery element larger (higher instead) than the 2 miniatures.
Same remarks on next sentence page 15... (a model is hidden from another)
larger is correct in both instances.

nicoleblond a écrit:Page 16
Special land. ... ravines... These (they instead ?) block movement but have no effects...
These is correct.

nicoleblond a écrit:Page 17
framed in red, first sentence. ... those of the booklet (rulebook instead ?)
Yes, change to "rulebook."
nicoleblond a écrit:Activation phase, first paragraph, second sentence. These (they instead ?) are the active miniatures...
These is correct.

nicoleblond a écrit:Page 18
paragraph "once the active player" - (using pins or small tokens)
In french, we say "little dices". It is right ?
Let's change "pins" to "dice"

nicoleblond a écrit:Passing one's turn.  ... He gives inititiave (initiative instead) to his opponent (b). If (b) decides to activate... (it miss "it" ?). If it (b) decides to activate...
Fixing initiative is good, but "it" is not needed.

nicoleblond a écrit:Page 19
Miniature on watch / 1) reactivation. The active player must sped 1 AP to reactivate a miniature "on watch".
In french, we talk about model "previously activated". It is necessary to specify?
Let's change it to: "The active player must spend 1 AP to reactivate a miniature that has been previously activated."

nicoleblond a écrit:The figure cannot run if he has previously... That's a mistake. In french, we talk "new movement" (walk, charge or run)
The figurine cannot make new movement if he has previously... It is right?
It should be: "The figure cannot make any new movement if it has previously run or before charging."

nicoleblond a écrit:2) reaction. Middle of paragraph.
If the model has a loaded ranged weapon, it may... In French, we talk about a model is attacked.
If the model is attacked, it may make a reaction shot...
This section looks redundant. Let's remove this sentence: "If the model has a loaded ranged weapon, it may make a reaction shot."

nicoleblond a écrit:Page 23
Paragraph engagement, last sentence. This movement must be done in the most direct route. You cannot pass an opposing figure.
It is right ? When I put the sentence in google translate from english to french, it seems right.
Let's change "opposing" to "enemy"

nicoleblond a écrit:Page 25
Special case : disengagement / engagement
For 1 AP, it can disengage out of the range (distance cheat instead ?) of the first...
Let's change "range" to "Long Reach"

nicoleblond a écrit:Page 26
There are four cases:
... gained by the chosen CC (1 die bonus (bonus die instead ?) for Quick CC, 1 die penalty (penalty die instead?)...
Yes, change it to "bonus die" and "penalty die"

nicoleblond a écrit:Page 27
Same remarks.
1 die bonus (four times)
Same answer Very Happy

nicoleblond a écrit:Page 28
4 - both players have chosen... Players who chose (choose instead?) the "parry" CC...
"chose" is correct - it's the past tense of choose.

nicoleblond a écrit:Shooting, second paragraph, last sentence. ... attacks, the player should estimate the distance of all shots...
In french, we say that the player must estimate at the same time the distance of all shots.
... attacks, the player must estimate at the same time the distance of all shots...
It is right?
It is correct as written.

nicoleblond a écrit:Page 29
Shooting roll. first sentence. It miss skill. ... or even 4 if alchemy (or skill) influence the shot...
It should be: "...2 dice (3 if the Aim bonus is gained, or even 4 if alchemy or skill influences the shot)."
nicoleblond a écrit:If the roll is greater than the target's DEF, the... It miss equal... If the roll is equal or greater than the target's DEF, the...
It should be: "if the roll is equal to or greater than the target's DEF, the..."

nicoleblond a écrit:Page 31
Last paragraph. ... The range of the missile weapon does not... missile ?
Change "missile" to "shooting"
nicoleblond a écrit:... you must verify that the original shooter is within range of the reaction... It's reaction shooter instead...
"original shooter" = the figure that instigated the reaction fire, so the sentence is correct as written.

nicoleblond a écrit:Page 33
Formula cards. Formula threshold... needs to compete (complete instead?)...
Whoops! You are correct, it should be "complete"

nicoleblond a écrit:Page 34
Three caption, it miss the word "formula".
It should be: "Remove the number of components required to prepare formulas"

nicoleblond a écrit:Page 35
First paragraph, last sentence. ... alchemy roll is equal to the Spirit (Mind instead?) characteristic of the...
Yes, change to "Mind"
nicoleblond a écrit:Last paragraph, end of paragraph. ... It retains its focus (level instead?) until it is hurt...
Change to "focus level"

nicoleblond a écrit:Page 36
sub-title : Set up objectives. Place objectives instead?
Yes, that reads better.

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Re: English proofreading to do - rulebook layout

Message  nicoleblond le Ven 6 Fév 2015 - 0:16

Nicoleblond a écrit:Page 7
Avalon, I think there is a reversal of direction.
But the Holy Tree needs space to grow and the Baronnies must offer their sons news lordship.
Mallanchain a écrit:I don't understand what you mean.
Initial translation was:
But the Holy Tree needs space to grow and the Baronnies must offer their lord new sons.
It's the reverse:
But the Holy Tree needs space to grow and the Baronnies must offer their sons news lordship.
Do you think it's good ?

Nicoleblond a écrit:2) reaction. Middle of paragraph.
If the model has a loaded ranged weapon, it may... In French, we talk about a model is attacked.
If the model is attacked, it may make a reaction shot...
Mallanchain a écrit:This section looks redundant. Let's remove this sentence: "If the model has a loaded ranged weapon, it may make a reaction shot."
No, it's not redundant.
When a model make a reaction, there's 3 cases:
- it can make a reaction's movement if it's targeted by a ranged attack
- it can make a reaction's shoot if it's charged by a enemy model
- it can make a reaction in combat if a enemy model fight it.

I purposed:
If the model is attacked, it may make a reaction shot. If the model...

Nicoleblond a écrit:Shooting, second paragraph, last sentence. ... attacks, the player should estimate the distance of all shots...
In french, we say that the player must estimate at the same time the distance of all shots.
... attacks, the player must estimate at the same time the distance of all shots...
It is right?
Mallanchain a écrit:It is correct as written.
Sorry, I've a doubt.
attacks, the player should estimate the distance of all shots
or
attacks, the player must estimate at the same time the distance of all shots

Nicoleblond a écrit:... you must verify that the original shooter is within range of the reaction... It's reaction shooter instead...
mallanchain a écrit:"original shooter" = the figure that instigated the reaction fire, so the sentence is correct as written.
Sorry, I've a doubt...
Initial translation was:
In the case of a ranged attack, you must verify that the original shooter is within range of the reaction fire.
In french, we say:
In the case of a ranged attack, you must verify that the reaction fire is within range of target.
Note : target is the enemy model that performs ranged attack
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Re: English proofreading to do - rulebook layout

Message  mallachain le Ven 6 Fév 2015 - 21:30

nicoleblond a écrit:
Nicoleblond a écrit:Page 7
Avalon, I think there is a reversal of direction.
But the Holy Tree needs space to grow and the Baronnies must offer their sons news lordship.
Mallanchain a écrit:I don't understand what you mean.
Initial translation was:
But the Holy Tree needs space to grow and the Baronnies must offer their lord new sons.
It's the reverse:
But the Holy Tree needs space to grow and the Baronnies must offer their sons news lordship.
Do you think it's good ?
I would change it to: "But the Holy Tree needs space to grow and the Baronnies must offer their lord new sons."

nicoleblond a écrit:
Nicoleblond a écrit:2) reaction. Middle of paragraph.
If the model has a loaded ranged weapon, it may... In French, we talk about a model is attacked.
If the model is attacked, it may make a reaction shot...
Mallanchain a écrit:This section looks redundant. Let's remove this sentence: "If the model has a loaded ranged weapon, it may make a reaction shot."
No, it's not redundant.
When a model make a reaction, there's 3 cases:
- it can make a reaction's movement if it's targeted by a ranged attack
- it can make a reaction's shoot if it's charged by a enemy model
- it can make a reaction in combat if a enemy model fight it.

I purposed:
If the model is attacked, it may make a reaction shot. If the model...
That works for me.

nicoleblond a écrit:
Nicoleblond a écrit:Shooting, second paragraph, last sentence. ... attacks, the player should estimate the distance of all shots...
In french, we say that the player must estimate at the same time the distance of all shots.
... attacks, the player must estimate at the same time the distance of all shots...
It is right?
Mallanchain a écrit:It is correct as written.
Sorry, I've a doubt.
attacks, the player should estimate the distance of all shots
or
attacks, the player must estimate at the same time the distance of all shots
We could change it to: "...the player must simultaneously estimate the distance of all shots..."

nicoleblond a écrit:
Nicoleblond a écrit:... you must verify that the original shooter is within range of the reaction... It's reaction shooter instead...
mallanchain a écrit:"original shooter" = the figure that instigated the reaction fire, so the sentence is correct as written.
Sorry, I've a doubt...
Initial translation was:
In the case of a ranged attack, you must verify that the original shooter is within range of the reaction fire.
In french, we say:
In the case of a ranged attack, you must verify that the reaction fire is within range of target.
Note : target is the enemy model that performs ranged attack
We could do this: "...you must verify that the original shooter (the enemy model that instigated the reaction fire) is within range of the reaction fire."

mallachain
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Messages : 182
Date d'inscription : 22/12/2014

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